I have been going thru somewhat of a transformation if you will. At this point I am not clear if its a good thing or a bad thing. One thing I do know is that it kinda sucks. Some days I am emotionally bankrupt, I experience extreme lows, can't stop the tears. However most days I put on some red lipstick and that bra that makes the girls look perky (come on ladies - we all have a great bra that makes our boobies look awesome) throw on a pair of hot heels and actually convince mysef that I am ok.
I have blamed it on menopause.....oh yes I said it. I am at that age when I can blame everything from mood swings to high taxes on menapause...lol Although my doc likes to refer to it as "Perimenopause"....thats the stage just leading up to the real bitchines.....now that will be something to blog about! But I am just not sure .....whats going on. One thing I know for sure is its time face or should I say identify my oun personal truth.
Personal truth...is what we really believe about ourselves when no one else is looking or listening. Its what we truely believe about ourselves at our core. Hummmm........makes ya think. I wonder if others see me as I see myself? Do you ever ask yourself that question?
How do I get in touch with the real me? Who is that real me I long for? Is it that 16 yr old girl with no cares in nthe world? Or that 22 yr old woman who thought she had the world by a tail? Could the real me have been the 27 yr old druggie looking for my next buzz? Or maybe the 32 yr old woman dealing with the devestating loss of a child? Could be the the 33 yr old mother who devoted her life to a precious newborn baby? Or is the real me the 48 yr old I see in the mirror...the one who's refection I can not reconize. The one I ask who are you? What happened to me? But that gal in the mirror never says a word. Again.....what is my personal truth? How do I find the true me?
I think......
To be true to ones self you need to be consciously aware of your real feelings. Ask yourself how you really feel about the situation, the comment, the non-verbal communication, the action - no matter what it is, ask yourself how you feel about it. Then, admit your feelings to yourself. (me - I just suck it up, feel hurt, and usually cry alone or better yet - just smile and say everything is fine)
Once you admit your feelings to yourself, and honor them, rather than judge them,( I guess that means I should'nt run from my feelings or hide from them......even though it has worked for me thus far - NOT) you will set the dynamic of self truth into motion. Once you are always true to yourself, you become your own best friend. Ok so that sound good......but I think being honest with myself is so much harder than being honest with others.
If you are true to yourself and honor your feelings, how you choose to behave then becomes a conscious choice. Once you choose to either go with what you like or refuse to tolerate what you do not like, you are changing the dynamic of the relationship.(Such a hard thing for me to do- I know I know - me the one with such a big mouth just sucks it up & swallows my feelings......what happened to me?) If you choose to not engage in anything that is self depreciating, if you choose to only allow people in your deeply personal life who are supportive, rather than abusive, this choice that you make changes the dynamics of your relationship. Only allow positive and life enhancing people and behaviors in your life. Remember it is always your choice.
I for one have alot of things to work on.....I am a work in progress. Its not what happens in our life, its what we say to ourselves about what happenes. We generate the results in our life we believe we deserve. If you have a damaged personal truth you are gonna generate results that match.
Do you have a damaged personal truth ?
1 comment:
Aaaahhhhh Lisa I love you. I wish I was as brave as you to put it all out there. Why is it so much easier, particularly for women, to just suck it up, cry alone and think that's the best we deserve? YOU deserve to be happy, I hope you know I'm always here to help, to lift you up, to listen to you bitch ;-) or just listen.
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