...I wasn't ...that's the issue. Well at least I waited till day 2 of 365 to possibly screw things up. That could be a new record...yes I have a very bad habit of acting without thinking....maybe acting without paying attention to what I was doing would be a far better description.
Why is it that I am always conscientious of other's feeling, never want to hurt, embarrass or humiliate anyone......I am easy to forgive & always take the others persons possible reasoning for their actions....always try to think the about their good side..yes at times it is a struggle....by yet when it comes to me......when I screw up...when I mess up...I am my own worst enemy?!
Is it that I hold myself so such high unreachable standards? If that is in deed the case...why the hell do I do that? What makes me do carry myself in such a manner? I spend more time beating myself up for what I did, what I said, what I should have done, what I shouldn't have done....its down right crazy....is it a self worth issue..... I don't know how to stop it.
.....to make things worse....the whacked out chick I am.....thinks about the repercussions, or possible repercussions of my actions...gets pissed at my self...embarrassed & humiliated.....what do I do...well of course I retreat.....run away..hide....running is my forte..if there is any kind of emotional upheaval I am outta there. Oh yes....I apologize till I am blue in the face...I shed buckets of tears....I analyze and analyze and analyze my actions...my thoughts.....my tears.......all with the same result....walk away. And of course...people are always gracious & say no worries...all is good.....no harm no foul......but for me......
....my struggle is never owning up & taking responsibility for my actions....its allowing myself to say..its ok.
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