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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

..taming the inner freak.....


...control freak that is....

 

...yes yes yes...I have no trouble admitting I am a bit of a control freak......I have been extremely controlling from time to time..let me clarify......controlling isn’t all bad......I am all about being controlling in the bedroom...I think there are a lot of fellas out there who would enjoy being controlled by a chick......just saying......but right now I am referring to controlling things which are either out of my control and or  I have no right to control...it has taken me many years to come to the realization that controlling people like myself  are controlled themselves by the compulsion of having to do it all & do it all perfectly.....all while beating yourself up for not being perfect at controlling whatever act or situation....I am still trying to figure out why & or what was lacking within me to create such a control freak.

 

...what matters now is that I ‘m not so much controlling as I am overly organized.....I am lots happier now...I have no desire to be domineering......well maybe sometimes..but only when I am sporting my leather bustier & cat of nine tails.......lol....I am learning to embrace the art of healthy submission..(not even gonna go there  hehe)..there have been many times in my life when I was or felt I was completely in control....but yet felt completely out of control.  Granted I was married to a GI Joe who was away most of the time while I took care of everything.....looking back now I think by doing everything...I used my control freakiness as a way to validate myself on a daily basis....I loved being a stay at home mom, military wife...I took pride in our lifestyle and our role in the community...but yet....it always went back to it really not being my choice....I walked away from my life into a pre-made military family...I spend many years being angry because I felt my choice was taken away.....looking back now I would not change a thing.....I really do think...no I know....in my head all those years I was telling myself....if I have to deal with the decisions made.....than I am going to control anything & everything I possible can within our military life restraints.  

 

...I was  so in touch with my inner control freak for a few years after my GI Joe hung up his uniform......I didn’t know any other way to survive....it was easy for him....I was still running the show....all along feeling frustrated & taken for granted because I was running the show...then...out of now where...our circumstances changed......my hubby was laid off.....I was working .....I expected....thought...demanded.....he do things around the house.....in the same manner in which I did them...of course.....like that ever happened...lol.....I think it took me about a year to really let go of the control....accept that he has his own way of doing things.....and I had to learn what was important was that things g done...not that they were  done my way.... it was hard...it all came down to me releasing anxiety & learning to trust....it was the only way for me to find emotional balance.

 

...I am far from perfect...I will NEVER be perfect.....I have no desire or expectation to be perfect....I will always be a freak of some sort...just less controlling....I like to think of it as overly organized.....lol...my house isn’t as clean as it once was....there are dishes in the sink from time to time...and hardwood floors get scrubbed on my hands & knees one or twice a year as opposed to once a week......but in the big picture..isn’t far more important to celebrate accomplishments of your loved ones instead of bitching about the things they didn’t do?!

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