...control freak that is....
...yes yes yes...I have no trouble admitting I am
a bit of a control freak......I have been extremely controlling from time to
time..let me clarify......controlling isn’t all bad......I am all about being
controlling in the bedroom...I think there are a lot of fellas out there who
would enjoy being controlled by a chick......just saying......but right now I am
referring to controlling things which are either out of my control and or I
have no right to control...it has taken me many years to come to the realization
that controlling people like myself are controlled themselves by the compulsion
of having to do it all & do it all perfectly.....all while beating yourself
up for not being perfect at controlling whatever act or situation....I am still
trying to figure out why & or what was lacking within me to create such a
control freak.
...what matters now is that I ‘m not so much
controlling as I am overly organized.....I am lots happier now...I have no
desire to be domineering......well maybe sometimes..but only when I am sporting
my leather bustier & cat of nine tails.......lol....I am learning to embrace
the art of healthy submission..(not even gonna go there hehe)..there have been
many times in my life when I was or felt I was completely in control....but yet
felt completely out of control. Granted I was married to a GI Joe who was away
most of the time while I took care of everything.....looking back now I think by
doing everything...I used my control freakiness as a way to validate myself on a
daily basis....I loved being a stay at home mom, military wife...I took pride in
our lifestyle and our role in the community...but yet....it always went back to
it really not being my choice....I walked away from my life into a pre-made
military family...I spend many years being angry because I felt my choice was
taken away.....looking back now I would not change a thing.....I really do
think...no I know....in my head all those years I was telling myself....if
I have to deal with the decisions made.....than I am going to control anything
& everything I possible can within our military life restraints.
...I was so in touch with my inner control freak
for a few years after my GI Joe hung up his uniform......I didn’t know any other
way to survive....it was easy for him....I was still running the show....all
along feeling frustrated & taken for granted because I was running the
show...then...out of now where...our circumstances changed......my hubby was
laid off.....I was working .....I expected....thought...demanded.....he do
things around the house.....in the same manner in which I did them...of
course.....like that ever happened...lol.....I think it took me about a year to
really let go of the control....accept that he has his own way of doing
things.....and I had to learn what was important was that things g done...not
that they were done my way.... it was hard...it all came down to me releasing
anxiety & learning to trust....it was the only way for me to find emotional
balance.
...I am far from perfect...I will
NEVER be perfect.....I have no desire or expectation to be perfect....I will
always be a freak of some sort...just less controlling....I like to think of it
as overly organized.....lol...my house isn’t as clean as it once was....there
are dishes in the sink from time to time...and hardwood floors get scrubbed on
my hands & knees one or twice a year as opposed to once a week......but in
the big picture..isn’t far more important to celebrate accomplishments of your
loved ones instead of bitching about the things they didn’t do?!
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