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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

.....dignity lost

....living with an angry hubby is like living near a volcano.....like being in a constant state of alert...expecting it to blow at any time.....even a small outburst would throw you out of whack....at some point along the line I became sick & tired of the blow-ups...sick & tired of feeling I had to walk on egg shells in my own house......if anything went wrong in his life...his career...his world..he would take it out on me & the kids........the yelling.....the put downs...the control he had to have over me....the swearing.... the silent treatment.... the pouting.......no matter what I was ALWAYS wrong........it was ALWAYS my fault......no matter what issues I addressed he somehow turned it around to be me me ME! My fault!

...I know that the my hubby felt his anger was everybody else's problem...not his...in his mind I was the reason he spent all those years pissed off all the time.......I did nothing right.....I didn't do nothing like he expected...or demanded......if anything in my life was about me & not him all hell would break loose....he had to have ALL of the attention all of the time......he would put me down in front of people......even make terrible comments about me in the bedroom in public......he would publicly degrade and humiliate me......and laugh about  it....when asked he would reply "I was just joking".....of course the damage was done.......I was worthless in every way imaginable...and he took great pleasure in letting me as well as everyone around know it.

...of course family & friends who knew me for a long time saw the changes in in...questioned his behavior & treatment of me...I in turn blew it off..make excuses ...hide it from them....I was ashamed & embarrassed by his actions....most of all I was ashamed of myself.....for believing what he said about me.   Funny thing was to the outside world.....people who didn't really didn't know us...thought we were the perfect couple.....our lives seems good......I learned early on to cover up my tears with a smile.

......for a long time.....I admit I still struggle with it.....I blamed myself for making my hubby behave in such an angry manner......I had my self convinced if I was thinner...sexier....quieter....better in bed.....less out spoken.....kept a cleaner house...spent less money...avoided friends & family......in other wards...stop being me......then we would be happy.


...in order to cope with my unhappiness I focused on anything and everything except for me....I ate to comfort myself...then would be pissed at myself because I would think if I were thinner.....or if I were....blah blah blah.......whatever.......it was a very very VERY lonely existence......with a smile.

......I don't know what I did or didn't do to deserve this treatment......in my mind I did deserve it...I wasn't worthy of a loving..nurturing...mutually respectful relationship.... even though I longed for it desperately........as did my hubby.....he just didn't know it....I guess when you know better you do better....how can a person say I love you in one breath & program fear & self doubt in the other?

...funny thing...up till a couple of years ago I didn't even know this was emotional abuse......I thought it was love.......what else could I think...my previous hubby & my current hubby both told me & reinforced the mindset that I was not good enough..for this that and the other......again.....I had to be at blame.

.....the universe brought me a friend.....a friend who saw everything wonderful about me.....lite a spark inside of me.....I am worthy.....I have alot of goodness.....I am so NOT deserving of the abusive treatment I came to know as the norm.......this special friend saw me for who I was without all that crap that has weighed me down.......thru this persons eyes I saw myself for the first time in a very very VERY long time......I truly believe the universe brought this special  friend  to me at the exact time when I was ready & open for this person.....just like the universe brings what you need when you are ready...its also takes it away when you learned the lesson......I still struggle with that lesson.....but deep down.....I got it.

......I was faced with a decision to save myself & my child from a lifetime of hell.....the time came for me to grow a pair...lay down the law on what I will accept & won't accept.....I will never forgot that day....rock bottom and them some....now two years later....I am so proud of my hubby.....

.....seeing a counselor was his only option....doing some deep soul searching it didn't take him long to see more clearly...his anger had nothing to do with me his wife nor his kids.....that umbrella of anger he carried from childhood...after a few counseling sessions he started to learn his anger triggers & how to redirect them...how to take responsibility for his behavior & his actions....he also did anger management group  classes...he owned his shit...he owned the crap he did to me and everyone...he started to questions his thoughts & actions & realized he had to make amends with his loved ones.....his anger isn't completely gone.....he does however recognize it & deal with it in a much more productive way...

...hurtful words from my hubby can sting long after the words are uttered.........I do know that in order for my hubby to forgive himself & move forward I need to forgive him...and forgive myself.....learning to forgive & forget is difficult...but necessary to for the healing process.....I owe it to my hubby & myself to shift my focus to the positive so we both can begin to heal & forgive & move forward in a positive direction...to rebuild the trust  in our relationship......we are a work in progress.   
I love you MLM!

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