.......ch ch ch change

..one thing that is consistent in this world is change….for someone who resists change…ME…change has to slap me up side my face for me to totally accept it……and believe you me I continue to drag my feet till I wrap my head around it…..it’s kinda funny that I am so resistant to change…..I married a GIJoe…anyone who knows military life knows life is a series of hurry up & change……ok I will admit sometimes it a hurry up & wait…..then the change follows…..sometimes positive …..sometimes not so much.

….change means reinvention…..up-cycle..recycle….a major shift in what happens in our lives…..jobs….moving…..relationships….children……everything changes…..that I thing that this control freak has been

forced to accept…….I didn't say embrace I said accept….I am sure we have all reinvented ourselves a time or two……dozen…lol….

….one of my passions is up-cycling……making old things new……so if I can turn an old men’s wool blazer in to an awesome steam-punk vest……why do I struggles with up-cycling this old gal……ya would think it would be easy…..one thing that seems to slip my mind always is that you have to choose reinvention….each time I did…or thought I did…….as I waited for my new self to find me…waiting in vain…..I list myself in confusion..sadness and anger……I got all tangled up in why can’t I change….why am I stuck…what is wrong with me…..

….now at 51….for the first time….I get it…..I realized why I had struggled time & time again…..call it an epiphany of sorts…..(btw – I love the word epiphany)

  lol……for the first time I realized the reason I had to much trouble moving forward…reinventing….up-cycling myself was because I had no idea what I wanted to move towards…. I spent my time thinking about my past…what I wanted to change……I didn't think about what I wanted or who I wanted to be in my future.

….so my dilemma is how do I go about creating a vision for my future…I think this is the hardest part..just figuring out what it is I want…how I want to be…the direction I am heading…what that looks like & feel like…..it’s funny how the universe nudges you in certain directions…..to do things or feel the need to do things…..one of the first things I have been slowly doing to achieve my goal..is the reevaluate my relationships….. friends…..weed out the ones who are non-supportive…negative…..toxic…..there is no room in my future.

….as I sit quietly w/ my eyes closed …..I try to do that meditation thing…..just can’t quiet my mind…..I think of people…places….situations I need to leave behind or walk away from……I try to imagine what my future looks like…..or what it will feel like……figuring it all out seems to be an ongoing process…..a painful work in progress…sometimes letting go is hard but yet you feel it is for the best.

….a few years ago my hubby bought me a vision board book ….i think the idea of a vision board is kinda cool…..yrs ago I made one…pretty much everything on the board happened…so there must be something to this visualization stuff……so I have started a vision board notebook…..visual reminders of the life I would like to create…new possibilities…

….the process of reinvention is not an easy task……I encounter resistance within myself…..I struggle with letting go…..even the things that cause pain…there is a certain safety net I have come to rely on….I don't wanna let go of things or people who cause pain.....sometimes its easy to hid behind the pain....out of the fear of trying something new...change...

....but one that that I have learned is that in order to keep my compass pointed in my new direction...even when I encounter struggles & resistance along my journey...when I find myself procrastinating......making excuses....revisiting old habits..or beliefs.......I just need to ask my self one thing......."what can I do at this very moment to keep me moving forward?"....

.....no matter how small of an act....a redirection....a feeling.....it will keep me on track....help me get to my future me.