Personal truth.........

I could list a million reasons why I have not blogged in months, but why bother? I just haven't.

I have been going thru somewhat of a transformation if you will.  At this point I am not clear if its a good thing or a bad thing.  One thing I do know is that it kinda sucks. Some days I am emotionally bankrupt, I experience extreme lows, can't stop the  tears.  However most days I put  on some red lipstick and  that bra that makes the girls look perky (come on ladies - we all have a great bra that makes our boobies look awesome)  throw on a pair of hot heels  and actually convince mysef that I am ok.

 I have blamed it on menopause.....oh yes I said it.  I am at that age when I can blame everything from mood swings to high taxes on menapause...lol  Although my doc likes to refer to it as "Perimenopause"....thats the stage just leading up to the real bitchines.....now that will be something to blog about!  But I am just not sure .....whats going on.  One thing I know for sure is its time face or should I say identify my oun personal truth.

Personal truth...is what we really believe about ourselves when no one else is looking or listening.  Its what we truely believe about ourselves at our core.   Hummmm........makes ya think.  I wonder if others see me as I see myself?  Do you ever ask yourself that question?

How do I get in touch with the real me? Who is that real me I long for?  Is it that 16 yr old girl with no cares in nthe world?  Or that 22 yr old woman who thought she had the world by a tail? Could the real me have been the 27 yr old druggie looking for my next buzz?  Or maybe the 32 yr old woman dealing with the  devestating loss of a child? Could be the the 33 yr old mother who devoted her life to a precious newborn baby? Or is the real me the 48 yr old I see in the mirror...the one who's refection I can not reconize. The one I ask who are you?  What happened to me? But that gal in the mirror never says a word.   Again.....what is my personal truth?  How do I find the true me?

I think......

To be true to ones self you need to be  consciously aware of your real feelings. Ask yourself how you really feel about the situation, the comment, the non-verbal communication, the action - no matter what it is, ask yourself how you feel about it. Then, admit your feelings to yourself. (me - I just suck it up, feel hurt, and usually cry alone or better yet - just smile and say everything is fine)

 Once you admit your feelings to yourself, and honor them, rather than judge them,( I guess that means I should'nt run from my feelings or hide from them......even though it has worked for me thus far - NOT)  you will set the dynamic of self truth into motion. Once you are always true to yourself, you become your own best friend.  Ok so that sound good......but I think being honest with myself is so much harder than being honest with others. 

If you are true to yourself and honor your feelings, how you choose to behave then becomes a conscious choice. Once you choose to either go with what you like or refuse to tolerate what you do not like, you are changing the dynamic of the relationship.(Such a hard thing for me to do- I know I know - me the one with such a big mouth just sucks it up & swallows my feelings......what happened to me?) If you choose to not engage in anything that is self depreciating, if you choose to only allow people in your deeply personal life who are supportive,   rather than abusive, this choice that you make changes the dynamics of your relationship. Only allow positive and life enhancing people and behaviors in your life. Remember it is always your choice.

I for one have alot of things to work on.....I am a work in progress.  Its not what happens in our life, its what we say to ourselves about what happenes.   We generate the results in our life we believe we deserve. If you have a damaged personal truth you are gonna generate results that match.

  Do you have a damaged personal truth ?

Rihanna - S&M

....just saying (re-post...on of my favs!)

 ......a month or so ago while at the local library I discovered a book on the history of women's lingerie..I know I know...you are thinking I should be reading books about cooking, sewing , gardening ....all the domestic bliss crap....but this book caught my eye.  I have this fascination with retro undies.......WTF?  Yep I admit it!  Hold on a sec - don't think that I have a bunch of crotch rotted old panties laying around...lol  I did however have a vast collection of vintage clothing and accessories I wore religiously in my 20's.  Damn I wish I still had all those things....

...anyways........so I am reading this book, which I found to be fascinating & was left with the desire ( haha good word choice huh?!)  to read more........who knew the public library offered such a huge collection of similar books.....ok......maybe I am reaching, but in my mind a similar subject would be fetishes ...of course.  What else could it be I ask???  I have to say I had no idea there were so many books out on the subject of fetishes......you name it, people do it......some people must even have a book fetish because some of the pages stuck together....eeeek.   Yes I had to go there - always right to the gutter!  lol 

What is a fetish? How do I know if I have a fetish?  What about you? Do you have a fetish?  (oh do tell!!! I would be happy to blog about it - hehe)  Ok so I am thinking I have this fascination with vintage lingerie....so no doubt I have a fetish...right?  Or do I?    I love shoes, especially red high heeled pumps that scream F#$@ me (hehe) ...does that mean I have a shoe fetish?  I enjoy wearing sexy undies.....is that another one of my many fetishes? What about swizzle stix......is that a fetish? Ropes? Canned food? Fetishes???? I love to surround myself with flowers, music, boys, food.........could I have a fetish for each of those?  I think not....ok ......being surrounded by boys  is a little bit  fetishy...hehe  (Oh hell yes Mrs. Robinson) LOL  Am I a fetish freak?  I decided it's time to grab the bull by the horns and check this fetish stuff out........where else  but cyber space!

Fetish :  "a reliance on a prop, body part, scene, or scenario in order to get off sexually. The prop can either be fantasized or exist in actuality."

hmmmmmmmmm....I am saddened (or should I say excited )to say the fetishes I previously mentioned are really not fetishes for me.  Not once have I gotten off while wearing any vintage lingerie, nor while in my flower garden, or cooking......the red high heeled F$#%@ me pumps on the other hand...lol (we'll save that story for another blog) hehe.   So anyone who really knows me, and knows how down right trashy I can be..ok you know I  am.......also knows I have to  continue down the fetish road to learn more...discover more .....maybe even try some ( ok  try more..hehe).  No worries Mitch - I won't try anything new without trying it on your first.  Love ya honey!

Back to fetishes..........my new favorite subject or should I say hobby  lol.  Some folks like being tied up, (hmmmm....i think I could be the tie-er-upper,  not the tie-ee.)  Come on.. everyone has thought about it at least once.......but how many of ya have just decided to give in, grab a couple of neck ties and tie your sweety up & have your way with him?????   Or visa versa  Try not to forget the candle wax......hmmm yet another fetish.  lol.  Some folks enjoy being gagged, ( nope - not one of my favs......you all know I need to be able to talk) whipped ( not my cup of tea, however I do know a few folks who could use a good whopping) or spanked ( hmmm....let me get back to ya on this one..)....for me it makes a big diff if I am the spanker or the spankee...lol

Of course you can't  forget those who like to be covered in PC (kinda cool - let me think about that........do you think it would make me look thinner?  If so I am sooooo in!)....I also wonder what colors are available....could be fun!   Raise your hand if you have ever tried nipple clamps......ok now that you have experienced the chill that memory gave ya...good bad or other wise...lol  I have heard using nipple clamps is just so over the top intense, highly recommended.......so of course I had to go out and buy some..........not just any old plain set...oh hell no.....mine have fancy purple stones...mine are a multi purpose sexual accessory.  I am such a girly girl!!!  I love it!  Some other fetishes would be like being kissed in a certain way and or  location, or being scratched, just to name a few. Not everyone ( most people) have something that really turns then on be it weird or normal. 

So as I spent endless hours in the cyber world surfing for fetishes,  I tell you I saw some freaky stuff out there - (No worries Mitch - we aren't gonna try everything......at least not yet.  hehe)     I actually learned allot - yes I am still capable of learning - especially sex stuff  lol.   Did you know that sexual fetishism is when an "article of desire" is necessary for sexual arousal or satisfaction. The article could be lingerie, shoes,(love the shoe thing) leather garments or underwear.( I am thinking leather undies would really make the who who sweat - need I say more?? fishy fishy fishy) The fixation also could be with a body part - breasts or feet are popular. Some less famous categories of fetishes include fat, blood, diapers, pee and poo. ( YUCK!)  People with fetishes are known as  fetishists - who knew?!  I must have missed that day at school.  To be honest I did get a D in my sex ed class in 8th grade.  Seriously.

Seems a pair of high heels is a very popular fetish, its right up there with feet and toes.  Who doesn't like to have their toes sucked on??!  Note to self - ALWAYS have pedicured toes just in case someone offers  to suck on your toes...lol....just saying.   How many  people  think about someone else during sex with their partners?  As well as imagining famous faces - lets just say The Rock and I have been together on a number of occasions....hehe.  The  acceptance of images and icons from the  secretive world of S/M fantasy - dominatrixes,( oh hell yes- I could play is roll in a heartbeat....all I need is a sub..hmmm) bondage heroines, damsels in distress - have helped make fetish fantasy pretty popular.Corsets,(love love love corsets - maybe its yet another fetish of mine lol)  thigh-high black stockings, leather catsuits, and second-skin rubber.  Kinky clothes formerly seen only within sexual subcultures are worn by many.

One of my all time fav  - Bettie Page (April 22, 1923 – December 11, 2008) was an American model who became famous in the 1950s for her fetish modeling and pin up photos. She has often been called the "Queen of Pinups.  The Mistress of Fetish!

"I was not trying to be shocking, or to be a pioneer. I wasn’t trying to change society, or to be ahead of my time. I didn’t think of myself as liberated, and I don’t believe that I did anything important. I was just myself. I didn’t know any other way to be, or any other way to live."Bettie Page

So really in a nut shell ( or at this point would nut sack be a better term?? lol) fetishes are just other preferences of a kinky - ya gotta love kinky!  So now I am thinking about sexual preferences.....
Sadomasochism.  Sadists (pain-givers) and masochists (pain-receivers), and their punishing sex play is referred to as sadomasochism, or S&M. Whipping and spanking are two common ways to inflict punishment during sex.  One time I was at a bar and this gal yelled across the bar to a fella sitting at the bar....."hey mister - I wanna F$#% you skinny".  I laughed my butt off........but now that I think about it - I am wondering if she is a sadist..lol

 Exhibitionism. Some people get off by showing what God gave them to the world.   Here is a question......are strippers or exotic dancers exhibitionist?  Do they get off by doing the pole?  What about gals like myself who like to show some...ok ok alot of cleavage...am I being an exhibitionist.......or just  just a gal with da big boobies??? hmmmmm

Voyeurism. This one cracks me up...come on whether we admit it or not we all have sneaked a little peek before....sometimes it like a train wreck..you just can't look away...lol

Swinging and Group Sex. Some couples consciously choose to involve other people in their sex play by participating in: A mènage à trois (a couple adds a third person to the mix); wife swapping (two couples trade partners); swinging (a group of couples meets and exchanges partners among themselves); or group sex, or an orgy (a group of strangers all join the sexual adventure). Ok them.  Well....hmmmmm   Where do I sign up? lol  What do you think Mitch?  Can we?  Can we??  Just once??? Or maybe twice?? lol

I know I just touched the surface of fetishes.....it is a fascinating somewhat secret world...I might just wanna be a part of it.....maybe just a small part...lol  Oh wait did I mention I am an all or nothing kinda gal?? lol  Looking back...I am pretty sure I have tried my fair share of kinky off the wall kinda stuff...but does that make me a weirdo? Am I not as normal as you?  Or am I just willing to put it out there???