Knocked up……

……to be knocked down

I got it! Finally after 18yrs it somewhat makes sense….maybe makes sense is the wrong wording…..more like I have a better understanding & acceptance.  Some may say 18yrs is a long time…but to me it seems like yesterday…..and to be honest….who is to say that in 18 more years I may have a completely different understanding or feeling….this prolonged bout of thinking…reliving…analyzing….grieving…etc. has certainly taught me what it means to be knocked down…..I am specifically talking about the still birth of my daughter Cassidy…today is her 18^th birthday.

I understood the medical definition of stillbirth….but I never understood what it meant to lose a baby…its so very sad…so baffling…so extremely destructive to the psyche….there is no way you can prepare yourself for such a terrible lose.  It was like a great big broom swooping down & smacking me upside the face….leaving me dazed and confused for years to come…wondering how & why. Babies don’t die.

Grieving is work…hard work…..i truly believe it is an never-ending process with twists & turns….roadblocks…….just when you think you have a handle on it…POW – knocks ya right back down.

Stillbirth for me was so confusing & hard to think about…..it was so difficult to explain my feelings to others in a way that made sense….everyone knew that it sucked..big time…but no one knew how it felt to be a mom without a baby.  So I just resigned myself to feeling crazy for awhile….it dawned on me with crystal clarity a month after my second daughter was born…for the first time I knew & completely understood what I had lost…what I had been grieving ….I was grieving a dream….my dream of what my life would have been …imagining myself as the mother to a little red head baby….I was grieving the dream….the imaginary part…the hopeful…fairytale spun future association with my baby.

Don’t get me wrong…I am truly blessed in my life…looking back from where I am right now…..I wouldn’t change a thing…..don’t misunderstand….I did not want my baby to die…..but I know I had no control over that event…..the only control I had was over myself…and I will admit I dropped the ball on that….I went from knocked up to knocked down in a matter of minutes.

Going through that terrible loss…..I did learn so much about myself….some good..some not.  I have always thought that life goes from peaks to valleys and back again…..we learn the most about ourselves when we are in the valleys….when we embrace & allow ourselves to feel our true feeling whatever they may be.  For me…if I wouldn’t have spent my time in the valley…I would not be who I am today.

I don’t wear my loss as a secret thing….I am a proud mommy of an Angel.
 
Some people dream if Angels; we held one in our arms.
      Cassidy Layne Marie Mobus   21 April 1995

 

 

 

 

 

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