Jewel - Stronger Woman

Whatever....... (re-post)

 I haven't blogged in a few days, have had alot of emotional junk swishing around in my head. ( Does the emotional junk start in our head and go to our heart or....does it start in our heart and end up in our heads?  hmmmmm...just wondering)  I was trying to decide what I wanna to blog about - believe it or not blogging is very therapeutic for me (kinda like how it feels to to bitch - but when I bitch no one listens so I blog  lol)(which is alot scarier for Mitch - I think  lol)
....anyways......so I am thinking I could blog about love, fear, loss, marriage,sex,  kids, blah blah blah......which you all know I love to talk about all that stuff....ok ok mostly sex  lol.  For those who only read my blog for the sorted sexual escapades....no worries - you know I will  jump right back on that subject sooner than later.  hehe    This time I am gonna blog about something I am struggling with....actually to be honest I think ...nope.... I know it has been a struggle for me for a long time.   Although I feel like I am the only one dealing with it, I know I am not alone.   I read  ( yes I do read books - not many - except for the naughty books  lol)  that if you  label it, you limit it ~ACIM.    Well damnit I wanna limit it, so I am gonna label it.

Self-worth Definition:

 self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′):  noun; One's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

Webster Dictionary

Yep.........i struggle with my own self worth.  It's different than self esteem or self confidence. People can manage to have a high self esteem and good self confidence, without having a strong sense of self worth. It's all wrapped up in other people’s perceptions of your worth. 

 Since I can remember (for me it started when my first marriage was falling apart - I needed to feel in control of something so I put EVERYTHING I was into my job - its been a learned habit, maybe a way to prtect myself from feeling pain???)  I have based my self-worth  &  value on what I have accomplished, my career, the accolades I received. I thought of myself as being important, top of the game..........time after time due to choices I made I would walk away from job after job......due to relocations, motherhood (just so ya know - I wouldn't change a thing - I would just know more and do better) ...now layoff (DAMNIT).......... each time a change  happened it crummbled away at my self worth......I guess you could call it ego.  (ego - a whole differenct blog - lol) Now I find myself in a tail spin.....knowing this is NO way to live, but not knowing who to fix it, make it better....or better yet..make it END.

 My sense of self worth was entirely tied up in other people’s perceptions of me and dependent on my ability to continue to keep their perceptions the same. I see no value in myself, just in what I was. But yet - looking back - I am not so sure I liked who I was...hmmm.  I have always wrappped who I am up in what I do. I am struggling with  who I am.  It is a very humbling experience.   I KNOW  self worth does not lie in  my job, it lies in me, in what makes me unique. Just as yours lies in all the things that make you uniquely you.

Learning  to value yourself for being yourself ( which I am such a work in progress) you see the inherent worth in being a one of a kind work of art.  Self worth provides you with something to always fall back on when the something rocks your world,( believe me when I say things have been rocking) when something shakes your confidence in yourself or blows your self esteem to smithereens.

 Finding yourself & loving yourself unconditionally. (Now thats a struggle)  At some point you realize how valuable you are not just to others, but to yourself.

sarah mclachlan - wintersong

Jewel - Satisfied

.......time to BEAR it all

.....so like I had this dream this morning that I just can't forget about.  No ...... to all you dirty minded people out there......this time my dream was not sexual in nature - damnit!  lol (but the naughty dreams are the bestest!!!)  Have ya ever had a dream that you can remember every single thing about it......and you just can't forget it.

 I think our dreams are a message from our subconscious mind, telling us something ..........but .....if this is  true.........what do our sexual dreams tell us?   Is our subconscious mind telling us we need to have kinky sex with with someone other than our spouse? (Oh wait - that's my dream - oops)  Cause honestly how many of us dream about sex with our spouse???? (sorry...love ya Mitch) Yea, thats what I thought.......lol  Our dreams are usually about the neighbor, a friends hubby or my personal fav The Rock.....whatever floats your boat as long as you are happy happy happy.  


Where do our dreams comes from?  Why do we dream the dreams we dream?  Why are some so great we try to have them over and over again....and others we just don't want to even think about or even try to remember? Do you know? I don't! 

Better yet....what do our dreams mean?   That's the million dollar question and the reason for this blog!  I had a dream about a Black Bear. Yep a black bear!  hmmmm.........so I grabbed my handy handy dream meaning dictionary (aka the Internet) lol.  This is what I found...

Bear
To see a bear in your dream, symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection.  You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking.  The dream may also be a pun on "bare".  Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.

...hmmmmmmmm   I read the meaning over and over and and over  & I have decided this is some pretty deep shit...lol.  It seems to apply to my life in more ways than I care to admit.  For all your skeptics out there ( you know who you are..lol) yes I am sure you are saying that you can make any interpretation apply to your life at any given time.....but I am here to say in this case.......this hits home.


 Basically what I am telling you is that over that last few weeks I have been going through some major stuff....deep stuff (lol)....struggling with my own personal independence.......not like I am gonna just skip out on my 17 year marriage or anything (again...sorry Mitch  lol).....more like trying to establish a new version independence within my family. 

I have been undergoing a period of introspection and thinking for a while.....of course my closest pals think it's been going on for too damn long  lol. For me December is a month to think about the past, the present and the future I wanna have.....its a great time to jump inside yourself and do a little house cleaning...that's exactly what I have been doing.  Its just a matter of time before Mr. Clean pops our cause I am already oozing scrubbing bubbles......yes they do smell like potato chips!!!  lol

So in a lot of ways its like the cycle of life (my life - NO BABIES HERE....swallow swallow swallow)  lol.  The death of the old and unwanted crap and the renewal of the new and improved shiny me.....ok so I'm not so shiny..lol  A resurrection of sorts.  So I am thinking that if I continue on this path ...say for 10 -15 more years........I am thinking not only will I shine and sparkle...I will damn near blind you with my brightness...lol

Lastly.....the best part...... "bare". You know I am sooooo dirty minded...lol  I could hardly wait to address this baby......or should I say..undress...hehehe I crack myself up.....lol  This could mean I need to bare all......that's one way to earn my Jerry Beads. (Oh Hell Yea!!!)...or it could mean that I need to open up, share my feelings (good, bad or otherwise) with those who care about me no matter how uncomfy it makes me feel.....because I have to say from personal experience over that last few weeks - it sure does feel great to open up & share my feelings with the ones I love.  HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! 

What animal will I dream of tonight???????

food for thought.....

As of late I have spent endless hours thinking about affairs of the heart.  How's that for a  expression?? lol  Isn't it funny how when we are young we really don't give it a thought, we give our heart ( love or not) away at a drop of the hat........as we age we withhold our love as punishment, or we hide our love thinking that we are somehow protecting ourselves from heartbreak. (whatever helps us sleep at night I guess  lol) At what point in our lives do we just let it go, allow love to enter our heart freely & more important when do we allow or give ourselves permission to open our heart to others?  Damn I am deep...NOT!  lol

Just think about it for a sec.....go back in time......I remember my first crush ( oh but I knew it was love for sure) I covered my notebook with his name - hey when you are in 2nd grade and you write a boys name all over your notebookk you know it is LOVE!  Luckily notebooks were cheap, so getting a new one each week wasn't a problem...lol  I remember the crazy ass things I did just to get a boys attention. Looking back, I have to question if spitting at a boy really got the kind of attention I wanted from him, the teacher didn't think so.  lol

By Jr high & high school  you are a little less obvious about who you like, so you pass notes to your crushes best friend...or better yet you have your best friend pass a note to your crush...lol  If I had a dollar for every note my best gf Debbie passed for me both Debbie & I would be very rich women...lol   Although we lusted after the same boy for many years (actually still do lust after him hehe) we had completely different tastes in boys- which was a good thing.  Somehow she always got the boy and I just kept chasing the boys...lol

My twenties....damn!  LMAO  Boy did I think I have the world/love by the tail.   I thought love meant sex and sex meant love and boy did I spread the love  around  lol (btw Mom- it wasn't that much sex  lol) ok ok.....it's more like it wasn't that much GOOD sex...lol   Why is it that sex is so important or at least we think it is when we are in our 20's???? Hell I didn't even know what good sex was till I hit my mid 30's..........ok maybe 40's  lol

The 30's I was busy having babies - not sex!  lol   I think as mothers and wives we convince ourselves that our love for our family is so much more important than our sexual lives. I don't know about you  - but after doing the kid thing all frigging day  in my worn out juice stained over sized vomit covered sweat pants and tshirt, cooking dinner, doing the dishes with a side of laundry before I even attempt to bath the kids and get them into bed......I am just not feeling the come on honey  I wanna make you feel like a real man tonight thing no matter how much you beg!   lol  But you know men.......they don't get that at all.  To them its like saying we love our kids more than our hubby's.......which I have to admit from time to time that's the truth!  After a crazy long day my kids kids don't care what I wear to bed...my hubby on the other hands expects a  showered, clean shaven ready for action thong between my cheeks sexy nightie ready to do it kinda gal..........like that ever happened  LMFAO (sorry Mitch)  Like it even entered my mind to take a shower let alone  stuff my post baby body into some sexy lace for his pleasure number  - that's funny.  What the hell was he thinking???? lol

Oprah says that sex gets better with age........my question is as what age?? lol   Is it that sex really does get better?  Or is it that as we age, we are more in tune to what turns us on (handcuffs, nipple clips, blindfold....whatever your reindeer games happens to be)  and off, what we want (skys the limit) and what we do not want(sometimes we think we don't want something, then we try it and oh hell yes we want more of it  hehehe) .....what is acceptable and whats makes you scream RED...or is it as simple as we are more  open to ALLOWING ourselves to love and be loved.  hmmmmmmm.....Now that is a loaded statement! Damn I impress myself sometimes  lol 

So now that I heading up the path ( just the path not the door )  to my 50's I can't help but wonder ........not really wonder more like now is the time to set the groundwork to allow the love in my life to flourish (All forms of love), to be open for  the good, accept the not so good and ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!!!

how crazy am I ............

 Ok so I have to admit I am kinda crazy.....it is hard to believe, but yes I do drive others crazy.  lol  But then if I didn't....what fun would that be I ask you...lol    At this point I could go into a long list of my crassness's...lol  but those who really know and sometimes love me already have a very good idea...lol  So I am gonna focus on one small little thing that I do........I know there have to be others who do it as well.  So stand up and be proud......

In my last blog I had mentioned that I have this monthly habit ( I call it my job) ...I do a physical inventory of both my freezers, my pantry, my cupboards and any other storage nook and cranny I have to store usable goods ( paper towels, canned soups, etc)   See that's not so bad ...right?!   Once I have this inventory I create a monthly menus..using up odds & end in addition to rotating meats, veggies etc.  Smart huh?!
You would think my food budget would be pretty low...I never over buy, or worse yet run to the store to buy something then later find that item in my pantry - I hate that!

In theory the above sounds like a great idea.   However I have to wonder why my food budget is outta control????  That's indeed is the question at hand.  I have mentioned before that when we were a military family on a fixed budget I fed 2 kids, one GI Joe hubby, and two cats...not to mention the many friends and other GI Joes who happen to stop by....ALL on $200 a month. DAMN!  Now I am spending more than $500 on one teenager, one retired GI Joe, one old cat, one old dog and one puppy plus me.........

Here is my new personal challenge......effective starting in Feb. 2011 I am on a food budget diet.  So welcome Meatless Mondays, Tofu Tuesdays, Whatever I Make & You'll Like It Wednesdays, Turkey Thursdays, Fish Fridays, Spaghetti Saturdays, and Soup Sundays.............my goal is to cut my food budget in half.   Anyone else up for the challenge?????  

So much to think about.......

.......ok so like I haven't make a real meal for my family since before the holidays..........it's been pizza, burgers, junk, and more junk.  I have to admit I actually miss cooking.  Yes I said I missed cooking - it just justed feel right wearing the cool aprons Sharon made when all I am doing it opening a box and sticking some frozen crap in the over...lol  Even Maddie is asking me when I plan to make a "real meal"  lol. Damn I am a slacker!  what to do..... what to do..... what to do

Time to get my ass in gear and tie on my fancy apron and cook!  But first I need to organize & inventory my panty & freezer, create menus and make a plan.  Oh yes - anyone who really knows me knows I am a planner!!!!  Today I will spend my day doing just that!  And of course I will share any and all of my menus, recipes and ideas!  
...more later

2011

Yeah!  I am so happy that 2011 is upon us.  I was & am ready to start a new chapter.   The end of 2010 I somehow lost myself, not sure why but could just feel a disconnect within myself.  With the beginning of 2011 I actually feel myself reconnecting with myself.  Sounds goofy huh?!   As I look back at all the wonderful things 2010 offered me I am truly thankful and blessed.  I am a very lucky woman.  I can't think about 2011 without mentioning the heartbreak, the struggles, the changes that were outta my control. NOW I like everyone has been offered an opportunity to close a chapter and start a new fresh, clean chapter in my life.  YIPPEE!

2011
I don't make new years resolutions, I set goals for myself.  Somehow goals seems to be so much more attainable than resolutions....lol  maybe just in my mind - but it works for me.  I can remember back to when I was in my early early teens, every year I made the same resolutions year after year...I continued with this till I was in my early 40's..........can you believe it?  I can't - I waisted so much time and energy planning my newest, quickest, easiest weight loss plan.  Yep - every new year since I can remember I have set some sort of crazy weight loss resolution.  Nope I NEVER lived up to it nor did I even get close...lol  How crazy am I?! 
Now at 47 I think I was just a nut case.  I look back at the photos of my younger years and I was skinny - what kind of crap was I dealing with?  Damn  I remember being so skinny my hip bones stuck out, but yet I wasn't skinny enough. No I didn't have an eating disorder......I didn't throw  up after eating (certainly didn't want to waste good food  lol).  It was crazy.  Then I hit my 30's........the years of smoking dope, drinking, cocaine, pigging out and doing it all over again caught up with me with a vengeance.  I found myself alone, tired and overweight. What a combo.  I can deal with the alone thing - after all I was alone my entire first marriage ( a whole dif story of what the hell was I thinking?? lol),  being tired is just part of the deal....it was being overweight that was the killer.  Do you know how hard it is to reenter the meat market when you have a huge rump roast???? lol

A few years later I was on the happy track once again.....new marriage, step son, new location (Hawaii) and prego!!!  Happy.  However happy turned to heartbreak when my pregnancy ended with a stillbirth.   (yep - a whole diff story for later)  Most woman at least try to drop the baby weight soon after giving birth...I on the other hand packed it on  and on......food was my friend and believe me when I say I had alot of friends!! lol  I don't even remember trying to drop any baby weight at that time........within two years I was prego again - knew it would be my last pregnancy so decided to hide from the stress of my previous loss I ate.....and ate  and ate......I gained like 100# between 2 pregnancies........and carried it around for more than 10 years.  I refer to it as baby weight..............my baby is now a teenager....do ya think it's still baby weight??? lol  NOT!  Just FAT! 

Last August my eye doctor - yes my eye doctor told me to lose weight for my eye health.....can you believe it......you know you are overweight when your eye doctor tells you to drop some weight  lol.  So I decided to take charge - I started walking, watching what I ate and can you believe I lost a little more than 20#.  YEAH!!!     

2011 One of my many goals is to continue to live a healthy lifestyle.  Making healthy choices, exercising, learning to love ME! 

I started this blog to share my garden, my cooking, baking and canning ideas with anyone who wanted to know more.  I will continue with all that domestic bliss however I have decided to add or should I say turn it up a bit but including so  so much more this year.  So feel free to join me on am incredible ride of self discovery, bliss, blessings.  I have to warn you I am somewhat trashy, always cheap and a bunch of fun.  Join me!