Dove Real Beauty Sketches (playlist)

Sanctus Real - Lead Me

...holding myself back

 I have had alot of emotional junk swishing around in my head. ( Does the emotional junk start in our head and go to your heart or....does it start in your heart and end up in our heads? hmmmmm..

.... something I am struggling with....actually to be honest I think ...nope.... I know it has been a struggle for me for a long long time....for most of my adult life I could be the poster child for the "I'm not good enough" if feeling inadequate was an Olimpic event.....seems to be the undercurrent of my existance as I know it.....its my dirty little secret...and have let very few in on it....if by chance they figure it out on their own...as in all emotional uphevals within me...I run...I hide...its been my m-o for as long as I can remember....its a learned habit...in my hear removing myself from it is a way to protect myself.....yes it is the easy way...

I am sure I am not the only gal who lives a life of silent defeat....its so easy to get caught in the cycle of the "I'm not good enoughs"...ouch...its true...its hard not to be overwhelmed & overtaken by our inadequaticies....its hard to leave that mindset if you beleieve it's true about yourself.

hmmmmm...fits so many aspects of my life.....you would think with age all those insecurities would go away....

 

 

 

 

 

Sarah McLachlan - Angel [Official Music Video]

Knocked up……

……to be knocked down

I got it! Finally after 18yrs it somewhat makes sense….maybe makes sense is the wrong wording…..more like I have a better understanding & acceptance.  Some may say 18yrs is a long time…but to me it seems like yesterday…..and to be honest….who is to say that in 18 more years I may have a completely different understanding or feeling….this prolonged bout of thinking…reliving…analyzing….grieving…etc. has certainly taught me what it means to be knocked down…..I am specifically talking about the still birth of my daughter Cassidy…today is her 18^th birthday.

I understood the medical definition of stillbirth….but I never understood what it meant to lose a baby…its so very sad…so baffling…so extremely destructive to the psyche….there is no way you can prepare yourself for such a terrible lose.  It was like a great big broom swooping down & smacking me upside the face….leaving me dazed and confused for years to come…wondering how & why. Babies don’t die.

Grieving is work…hard work…..i truly believe it is an never-ending process with twists & turns….roadblocks…….just when you think you have a handle on it…POW – knocks ya right back down.

Stillbirth for me was so confusing & hard to think about…..it was so difficult to explain my feelings to others in a way that made sense….everyone knew that it sucked..big time…but no one knew how it felt to be a mom without a baby.  So I just resigned myself to feeling crazy for awhile….it dawned on me with crystal clarity a month after my second daughter was born…for the first time I knew & completely understood what I had lost…what I had been grieving ….I was grieving a dream….my dream of what my life would have been …imagining myself as the mother to a little red head baby….I was grieving the dream….the imaginary part…the hopeful…fairytale spun future association with my baby.

Don’t get me wrong…I am truly blessed in my life…looking back from where I am right now…..I wouldn’t change a thing…..don’t misunderstand….I did not want my baby to die…..but I know I had no control over that event…..the only control I had was over myself…and I will admit I dropped the ball on that….I went from knocked up to knocked down in a matter of minutes.

Going through that terrible loss…..I did learn so much about myself….some good..some not.  I have always thought that life goes from peaks to valleys and back again…..we learn the most about ourselves when we are in the valleys….when we embrace & allow ourselves to feel our true feeling whatever they may be.  For me…if I wouldn’t have spent my time in the valley…I would not be who I am today.

I don’t wear my loss as a secret thing….I am a proud mommy of an Angel.
 
Some people dream if Angels; we held one in our arms.
      Cassidy Layne Marie Mobus   21 April 1995

 

 

 

 

 

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.....Clean Eating - 10 day Challange & more

...Starting Monday 4/22/13 I will be doing the Clean Eating 10 day Challange....I have been dabbling in the whole clean idea eating....but I am commiting to it in full force...10 days for sure...maybe more!  What is clean eating....

 

Its going to be harder on my family than me...I love all the healthy clean foods...yes I like the junk too...but I am so ready to do it.   I have already trashed the crappy foods in our house....I have a plan....yes a woman with a plan....:)

 

In addition...the last few weeks I have been struggling with the get my self moving things...I than a 5k right around the corner & I am dragging ass....time to get serious....I am lucky to have two good friends who are not only any inspiration to me...but they also motivate me to make it happen.

 

In the coming weeks I will update you on my progress...I am so excited & sooooooo ready to make it happen.  This is just a couple of the new lifestyle changes I will make in my 50th year......YIPPEE!!!

 

......more than just a birthday

…turning 50!

 The thought of hitting such a big milestone is both sobering & liberating…..sobering because it’s a reminder that there is a finite span left to accomplish all that I want…let me just tell you I don’t plan to be sober at my Bday party…hehehe....liberating….turning 50…mentally & emotional grasping that true…MY truth….all the non-essential pain in the ass bull shit drama crap drop away….leaving room for the important things…love..laughter..& happiness…of course my hubby hopes that can’t get enough sex thing kicks in & gives him a run for his money….well I guess a little extra cardio never hurts a guy..lol

As my 50^th approaches…..actually it kinda started around the end of last year beginning of this year….I stopped caring…not about myself…actually quite the opposite….I am starting to truly care about and for myself….I care less about how I sound or how I am perceived…what people think of me…..I stopped making apologies and or excuses for how I feel….I own my feeling…if you don’t agree..so what! That being said….I am not going to be any more rude or bitchy than usual….at least that my plan…

Turning 50 for me actually feels like it a new freedom….freedom not to take life so seriously…not everything is the end of the world as we know it……unless of course I break a heel…. Then watch out….lol.  I look at turning 50 as a decade of transition….the “M” word ..yes menopause  & all her glory rears her ugly head…….ends my childbearing years…which I am ok with the no more baby thing…I have a pup

I am thrilled to tell ya that I DO NOT have any gray hair!!  Yup!  Its true…I do however have a few gray eyebrow hairs  & eyelashes that are gray…..I just hope after I shave my head…no grays come in…fingers crossedJJJ

I am not so thrilled to deal with gravity….gravity sure does take it toll on a gal’s neck…stomach….and boobies…..but I have to let you in on my little secret….not such a secret…..I have been telling everyone..lol…..I have discovered a natural herbal supplement that enhances the fullness of a gal’s breasts…in other words..my girls went from low beam to ….more like middle beam & grew almost 2 cups sizes…….lets just say I am an in your face kinda gal & I am lovin it….pretty sure my hubby is tooJ

Turning 50…its kinda like a freedom….exhilarating  freedom…an opportunity  to start a new chapter in my life…come into my own so to speak…I am driven by the opportunity to change and improve…better  yet..Create the life that I want….to be the best possible me…on  MY terms.